Cyprus

August 15–25, 2003

There is nothing the least bit interesting in Cyprus (aside from offshoring schemes perhaps). Absolutely nothing. The local highlights are blood squeezed from a turnip.

What they do have is a dislike of the Turks, as well as lots of Russian-made machinery and lots of Russian holidaymakers.

And bas-reliefs dating back to antiquity.

Since there’s almost no wild fish in Cyprus, they raise it on fish farms right here in the sea.

Sign in the middle of a completely empty pier.

Roll up! Roll up!
We always have octopus!

It is common knowledge that Aphrodite was born from the sea foam right here in Cyprus. Here the foam is portrayed by the shampoo that was added to the fountain.

English military radio masts.

Children.

Phone booth.

Rubbish bin.

Postbox.

They’re forced to dance with glasses on their heads to entertain the tourists.

If you want to see a shipwreck you can go for a ride in the “Sadko”, a submarine made by the “Rubin” Design Bureau.

Since there isn’t anything of interest in Cyprus, the ship, which lies 30 metres below the surface, is actually the “MS Zenobia”, a Swedish ferry, which sunk to the bottom of the sea in 1980, taking her entire cargo of trucks with her. There are fish swimming outside the portholes to make the submarine excursion memorable and fun. However, since fish couldn’t care less about a submarine full of tourists, they have to be lured there. This is where the diver with a bag full of chicken meat at the ready comes in. A fuckload of fish swim up to get the meat, making it seem like you’re inside an aquarium.

Since Cyprus is not only boring, but also hot, fires are inevitable. One of the local villages caught fire just I was on my way back from the Kykkos monastery (founded in 1092, it was actually built from scratch in the late 80s). The emergency services brigade on duty swiftly arrived at the scene in Kamov Ka-32 helicopters complete with helicopter buckets. They began ferrying back and forth between a nearby body of water and the village. It was a sight to behold.

Hot and boring.