IsraelMapOctober 8–15, 2003 Israel is a provincial, parochial, rather boring country you won’t want to visit again. That’s because nowhere in the world do they treat people so rudely upon both arrival and departure. 
Books, magazines Tel AvivMapTel Aviv is a modern and moderately soulless city with three skyscrapers and neat and tidy shantytowns.  The only fun thing to do is sip coffee and other drinks on the publicly accessible strip of beach. Sometimes I really wish there was a sandy beachfront like this in Moscow.  By which I mean that the medieval city-neighbourhood of Jaffa is more interesting.  I envied the locals who all know each other. That is, I envied them until Nosik flew overhead.  One hour later we were already drinking coffee together on the beachfront.  Israel might be the only country where the parking signs are different to the ones used all over Europe. Here they put the letter П (it’s an H in Hebrew) above the letter P.  Pedestrian crossings look like gateways to anther world. There are lights flashing, it’s signposted, and the sign hanging above the zebra crossing has a light built in which illuminates the whole composition. All of the green men look like Hasidic Jews.  When the light is green for pedestrian, the cars see a flashing yellow man.  The system is totally senile: each three light-section relates to just one specific destination. There’s also a sign above it to indicate which direction to drive in.  At nighttime you can only figure out what’s what from very close up. What’s more it, the red light blends in with the blue background of the arrow, making it glow pinkish. Meanwhile, some arrows are painted yellow (as in to say, “be careful”), which turns green when mixed with the blue.  The “no U-turn” sign, however, is pure genius. The diagonal line doesn’t cross out the entire arrow, only half of it. This makes the ban twice as visible.  Rubbish bin.  Rubbish bin built into the wall.  Plastic bottle container  Street sign.  Address signs.  Payphones.  Public transport lane.  Nosik rented a car that says “Don’t worry uncle Max, a ‘Volkswagen’ will do just fine” and we set off for Jerusalem.  On the way there we stumbled across an open-air tank museum. It was brimming with tanks and they were all different. Some of them had a didactic bent.  JerusalemMapJerusalem is in the mountains, and that alone is enough to deem it wonderful.  Nosik turned out to be a top-notch tour guide. First of all, he took me to the hairdresser’s, where he himself got a haircut.  He took me to the Dead Sea, which is below sea level. On the way there we saw a sign showing where the waterline is supposed to be.  I really do not recommend swimming here. I barely dipped my hand in, then had to spend about five minutes trying to wash off the dead water, the consistency and stickiness of which are more akin to crude oil. That’s Jordan right there on the opposite bank.  About three minutes in my clipboard was overwhelmed by the sheer number of live biblical realities. The only thing I remember was that the windows of my hotel overlooked the fiery Gehenna. It seems like a nice place.  I was given a guided tour of the old town that evening. We bumped into more and more people we knew, both from Moscow and virtually. Once you go through the metal detectors you can stand next to the wailing wall.  The church of the holy sepulchre is surrounded by kilometres of market stalls. There is no non-commercial shortcut. Although at night all of the stalls are shut.  In the daytime they’re all open. By the time you get to the tomb of Jesus, you’ll have purchased spices, slippers, and batteries.  There’s no security around the church. The soldiers are here for a guided tour.  The candles outside the tomb are embellished with electric lights.  I went in by myself. The tomb of Jesus stood inside. I asked Jesus whether he objects to me not capitalising the word “god”. It turns out he doesn’t.  |
