Staraya Russa

January 31st—February 1st, 2015

The ancient town of Staraya Russa is a three-hour drive away from Saint Petersburg.

Everyone in Saint Petersburg knows about it and no one in Moscow has ever heard of it.

But now the whole country will find out about it: Staraya Russa is celebrating one thousand years of history this year.

Salt-making had always been one of the main activities here. Then a cheaper method was discovered, but the local brine springs and medicinal muds haven’t gone anywhere. The town’s mineral water fountain keeps gushing from the ground even during the coldest frosts. The fountain shoots up to 18 meters in the summer; they turn it down a bit in the winter to avoid turning the whole park into a skating rink. During the summer months, all the hotels here are filled to capacity with resort-goers. And this is in a town that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away from Veliky Novgorod. Be honest—have you ever heard about this place?

But the above is just a small part of what Staraya Russa has to offer. The most interesting thing (in my opinion) is the amazing archaeological discovery of birch-bark letter no. 35. Because it’s all clay and salt here, birch bark can remain preserved in the cultural layer practically till Doomsday. And thus we get a unique opportunity to read text messages from a thousand years ago.

One brother writes to another in the 12th century (the twelfth motherfucking century!): “Yakove, brother, lie down when you fuck.” Which in modern parlance means “Yakov, brother, quit fucking around.”

Lord, what poetry. “Lie down when you fuck.” It’s the best thing I’ve heard in the last thousand years. Lie down when you fuck. Do like you’re supposed to, listen to your older brother. Brilliant!

I think a museum of obscene Russian language needs to be created in Staraya Russa. Russian obscenities are the greatest achievement of Russian culture, impervious to any laws or decrees.

By the way, this discovery is a resolute middle finger to all the fucktards who bullshit about how Russian curse words came from the Tatar-Mongols. Eat a bag of dicks, venerable opponents. Lie down when you fuck, our obscenities are as native as can be.

Staraya Russa also has a Dostoyevsky Memorial House Museum (which is fairly mediocre, if not to say downright shitty).

But the best part is the view from the window where the classic author once worked.

You’re so tender, you know, like shit under the snow

Staraya Russa is one of the few places to have a Mineral Street.

Mineral St. Formerly Ilyinskaya St. Named after the nearby mineral waters resort (now known as Staraya Russa Resort) and the renowned mineral springs of Staraya Russa.

There’s a drinking gallery here.

Drinking Gallery

The first thing that happens inside is that your glasses and camera fog up.

Water composition.

Spring #11. Chemical composition of mineral water: One liter contains the following amount of ions (in grams): Potassium—0.07, Magnesium—0.39, Fluorine—0.00078, Bromine—0.017, Sodium—1.03, Calcium—0.53, Chlorine—3.40, Sulfate—0.39, Bicarbonate—0.11. Total mineralization 6.03 g/L. PH 7.5 (neutral). Well depth: 80 meters.

People come in to fill up their bottles.

The cat’s loving it.

The old water tower.

The tower is no longer operational, but there’s no shortage of water here. In the winter, it takes on the form of slush.

Lots of slush.

A whole lot.

But there’s also just water.

Salt water.

And fresh water.

It’s a pleasant town.

With things to see.