Canada. Part I. Main details

June 14–25, 2006

There were a few things that surprised me in Canada.

First, it turned out that this is where Niagara Falls is actually located.

Second, in many respects Canada resembles the US a great deal.

Third, there are hardly any black people here. Or rather, there are, but there are a hundred times more of them in Europe. Even Norway, you’d think that it’s not exactly southern climes, but there are Indians and blacks everywhere you look.

Fourth, I saw maple trees on just two occasions (yet spruce trees are everywhere). But you do see maple leaves at every turn — emblazoned on the national flag and covering up an international ignominy:

Fifth, I was astounded by the “you may proceed” diagram on road signs, which is what the second half of this story partly focuses on.

It nigh on impossible to have a tasty meal in Canada, which didn’t surprise me one bit.

Toronto

Toronto looks like a microchip from above.

This is also where you’ll find the world’s tallest structure — the Toronto telecoms tower. Just the place to demonstrate how well mannered I am.

DICK

Niagara Falls

When I looked at the map and saw that Niagara Falls is in fact in Canada, I rang up everyone I know to ask: “Where is Niagara Falls?” The answers fell into three categories — “Who the fuck knows”, “Somewhere in Africa”, and “In Brazil, maybe”. The people who knew the answer had all been to Canada, except one guy who’d lucked out with his geography teacher.

It’s interesting to note that the water drops from American soil, but you can only see it from Canada. So it’s the Canadians who make money off this spectacle. To my amazement, it turned out that there are in fact three sets of Niagara Falls. Two sets are there to bring joy to the tourists while the third brings joy to the power engineers who’ve turned it into a hydropower station.

USA ↑  Canada ↓

I read on one of the information signs that there are over 500 waterfalls higher than the Niagara Falls around the world, but none of them have so much water flowing over them. That’s what this waterfall is famous for. Or rather, they are famous for. The Niagara Falls.

Tobermory

The only thing worth noting about this place is they’ve got a store here that goes by the sumptuous name of “General electric”.

We had to spend the night here as we waited for the morning ferry across lake Huron to the largest freshwater island in the world, Manitoulin. The ferry arrives in the evening. Its name means Big Canoe in the Ojibwe language. In the morning Iron Horses enter the Bottomless Womb through the Giant Jaws.

Turns out that the island of Manitoulin is nothing to write home about. Luckily, the northern end is connected to the mainland by a bridge. It makes sense to take the bridge and continue without stopping.

Sudbury

Truly the arse end of nowhere. I don’t even understand the point of putting these sorts of places on the map.

We’re in Quebec province. French replaced English right on the administrative border.

Valle d’Or

The name means valley of gold in French. They mine gold here to this day. The dwellings of the first prospectors are now considered a part of the national heritage, that’s why the owners aren’t allowed to change anything in the appearance of the exterior. The buildings themselves look a bit like isbas belonging to affluent Soviet kolkhoz members.

You can visit an abandoned gold mine if you’re interested. The machinery is painted yellow not because it symbolises wealth, but rather for safety reasons. (In Russian mines the machinery and mine carts are painted with rust).

The tour guide admitted that this was the first time he’d ever met a real live Russian person.

I finally got an answer to a question that’s been nagging me for ages — why miners the world over wear head torches on their mining helmets, instead of having regular electric lighting. It turns out that an explosion would instantaneously blow away all of the light bulbs in the mine. I also learnt that in the absence of radio communications (and light bulbs), a foul smell is sent down into the ventilation system to sound the alarm. The miners run up to the surface as soon as they catch a whiff of it.

Once the mine was depleted, the mill, which had been grinding ore for 70 years, was taken to pieces because there could’ve been gold trapped in the millstones. The mill’s foundations are reminiscent of the ruins of a Roman temple — a most apposite monument to humanity’s avarice.

By the way, most roadside letterboxes in Canada look like this:

Chibougamau

The ideal location for a modern-day Western. A pair of traveller-scumbags on motorbikes send lascivious hints to the sheriff’s wife. As a consequence, one of them takes a bullet to the head right there at the bar. The other one avenges his friend by taking out the sheriff and takes the young woman out to the steppe for exactly 45 minutes. That’s where the long-haul truck driver comes in. He rescues the damsel, but won’t accept any gratitude for it.

The further north you get, the more beautiful the nature is. Some parts remind me of Russia.

Just wanted to draw readers’ attention to the fact that these aren’t maple trees.

I suspect that a) I’m inattentive and b) I was looking the other way when we passed maples, but there are actually only spruces here.

Chicoutimi

A giant cross towers above the town.

In front of the temple in town there’s a couple who look like characters out of a 1953 washing machine ad. They’re repenting before the Virgin Mary, one with a Mona Lisa smile and a black eye.

Christ with hairy armpits on sale at an antiques store.

On the bright side, I got a number plate from 1918 in another antiques store, which sits in a former post office branch in some random village. In 1918 Russian coachmen were probably etching numbers on pieces of wood with nails and tying these to their horse-drawn cabs with string.

By the way, Canadians do not value the old. There are no more than two hundred old buildings in the entire country.

Quebec

This is the first city I’ve come across with buildings that look like they probably predate the revolution. The main sight is the five-star hotel masquerading as fairy tale castle.

The city is quite big.

The storyboarding of the wolf is splendid.

Montreal

Montreal is perhaps most interesting Canadian city of all. I came away with scores of impressions, although there’s hardly anything to photograph here.

Or rather, there are things to photograph, but it’s no fun showing them.

It’s not like you’ve never seen a sunset before, right?

Ottawa

The birthplace of Corel, makers of the ghastly CorelDraw. The only thing worth a look are the ten English buildings on the waterfront. Right behind them: the somewhat faceless, modern glassy-financial buildings begin.

Mike stood here

It turns out my brother was planning to visit the Niagara Falls this very weekend. We agreed to meet, so I set off from Ottawa, he was coming from New York.

I typed “Niagara Falls” into my GPS. So there I am, driving on and on. Darkness falls. I go over a toll bridge. Next thing I see — there’s a duty free store. What’s it doing here? I drive a little further and end up in a queue of cars at the entrance to a toll road. I drive up to the booth where you’re supposed to pay. In it is an American border patrol agent.

My GPS decided that going through the States would be a shortcut. As a result I committed a violation, granted it wasn’t a serious one. They took my picture and my fingerprints using an experimental device (a scanner, no ink), and let me go. The border control agent was exemplary, the very embodiment of courtesy and civility. He even went to get diapers from the car of some other offenders because their baby was crying. He gave me a document stating that I hadn’t entered Canadian territory, just so that I wouldn’t have any problems re-entering Canada.

My brother and I got to the meeting point within one minute of each other.

Toronto again

The night before I was due to fly back I happened upon the Toronto pride parade. Half of the city was cordoned off in the morning already. The parade, which stretched for I don’t know how many kilometres, went on for several hours. There were hordes of spectators. I didn’t even manage to make it to the barrier. All of the roofs thronged with people.

There was a real mixed bag of people taking part in the parade. Marijuana enthusiasts, drummers, transvestites, gay firefighters in a fire engine, policemen fairies on foot, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The spectators, who climbed up higher, pelted everyone with water pistols.