Kiev

March 25–27, 2010

I was convinced that after Yanukovich’s victory in the elections, the entire city would be infested with vile nationalists, thugs in Adidas tracksuits and Donetsk white trash. I anticipated public executions of the Orange elite, curfews, disruptions in gasoline supply. I expected to see a new, centrally located monument to Yanukovich’s pimply wart or at least to Joseph Kobzon, his personal crooner.

Instead, what awaited me was the same old pleasant, provincial springtime Kiev.

* * *

A new remarkable artifact from the Soviet era has been discovered:

Comrades tenants! It is forbidden to build additions to the balconies.

Another discovery: a sign with the telephone number of the local housing authority where the number still has only six digits, but the text is already in Ukrainian.

A peaceful old balcony.

Peace to the world

Today’s balconies offer no hope, only falling chunks of concrete.

Dangerous zone (falling pieces of concrete)

The city is slowly falling apart.

Dear tenants (office workers)! Due to the fact that the municipal budget of Kiev for 2010 does not include (at all!) any allocations for elevator maintenance and replacement, we urge you to treat our elevator with care and to abstain from smoking or littering inside it. Thank you for your understanding!

Notices on the wall are the best indicator of what’s on people’s minds and what language they speak.

Attorney: automobile accidents, auto insurance claims, appeals, court representation. Children’s holidays: fun and educational, any theme, cartoon and fairy tale characters, photos. Horse shampoo delivery. Seeking room (up to 1200 hryvnias) or apartment (up to 4000 hryvnias). Printing: business cards, holiday cards, promos, flyers, discounts and gifts for International Women’s Day. Do you want a sexy, magical gaze? Then our services are for you. Kung Fu. Seeking apartment for rent.

Kiev is one of those cities which I visit so often that I’ve never found the time to write one main, detailed account about it. On the plus side, this allows me to report new details every time. For instance, almost every building has a sign indicating the distance to the nearest fire hydrant. A very typical Kiev detail.

A trendy (by 1990s standards) payphone half-booth.

Dumpsters for potentially recyclable trash have a shape that makes them impossible to tip over, even by an entire mob of vandals.

A curious ornament on the storm drain grates. This is something new.

The subway is completely plastered with advertising—every sign has something for sale, every wall has some kind of posters on it.

Subway stations have been turned into advertising platforms. Every train car has TV screens playing commercials, and the cars themselves are covered so thickly with ads that it seems as if they’re made of papier-mâché.

New traffic lights have appeared on the streets: two yellow flashing lights at pedestrian crossings. It’ll be a while before we get to this level of sophistication.