Saint Petersburg

Map

February 14–16, 2010

After reading all sorts of rumors about how the Siemens high-speed train Sapsan might be discontinued soon, I immediately bought a ticket specifically for that train. You have to give due credit to the creators of the train’s logo—it’s impossible to read. The word was clearly dug up out of a dictionary of rare ornithological terminology, but it reads like SLPSLN.

The juvenile inhabitants of the towns along the train’s route clearly have a favorite pastime: throwing rocks at the high-speed train. No one is in a rush to replace the cracked glass, and each window probably costs as much as a whole car of a regular commuter train.

In the bathroom, visitors find their brains assaulted with unnecessary instructions. Do not hand-feed the toilet. Cast pearls uniformly into the toilet. Press the wall four times before pressing the flush button. It says that using the toilet is prohibited when the light is red. So then why, might one ask, does the toilet even work when the light is red? Advanced technologies, indeed.

Bottom sign: Wait ten seconds between flushes

Inside the cars, we see information panels sporting distinctly Soviet-style typography with punctuation mistakes (the correct way to write “Moscow—St. Petersburg” in Russian would be to use an em dash between “Moscow” and “St. Petersburg,” as well as a hyphen between “St.” and “Petersburg”). The train only goes as fast as 200 km/h (and not 300, which the same train is able to do in Germany).

Sapsan is differentiated from other trains that travel between Moscow and Saint Petersburg at the same speed by the availability of business class seating, where the distance between seats is just as uncomfortable as in coach. The only difference is that you get airplane food in business class.

The train attendants were incredibly gracious, however. He was courteous, resourceful and proactive, and she was just unbelievably lovely.

I looked out the window, rubbed my eyes in disbelief, looked again—the view was still the same. On the roof across the street, among piles of snow, stood a statue of Venus de Milo painted a bright metallic silver.

Saint Petersburg was completely buried in snow.

And completely covered with icicles, which are respectfully called “ices” here.

Even Nevsky Prospect, the main street, has ices a meter and a half long hanging over the heads of passers by.

The situation is, of course, even more dire on other streets.

In some places, mindful street cleaners rope off the facade with tape so that pedestrians don’t come too close to the predicted landing location of the ices.

Whoever doesn’t have tape hangs a piece of paper on the wall.

Attention! Pedestrians—danger of ice falling from roof! Dear vehicle owners! On February 10th, 2010, snow and ice will be cleaned from the roof of this residential building and thrown down onto the street. Please remove your vehicles! Remaining vehicles will be towed. Attention! Dear pedestrians! Be careful. Icicles and ice may fall from above. Please stay on the outer side of the sidewalk.

The text was printed crookedly on the copier, but the pedantic street cleaner still hung it so that it’s parallel to the horizon.

Dear vehicle owners!!! We urge you not to park your vehicles next to the sidewalk (or, if you do, leave your cell phone number under the windshield so that we can contact you). Cleaning works will be conducted to remove snow and ice from the rooftop. ZU4 is not responsible for any damages.

By the way, St. Petersburg now has new signs showing the distance to the nearest manholes. Green ones. Fairly ugly, I would say.

There are also separate dumpsters for recycling now, but of course no one uses them for their intended purpose even as a joke.

Blue dumpster: paper. Yellow dumpster: metal, glass, plastic

Cars are a separate problem. It’s pretty difficult for the ice being knocked off the roofs not to hit them. In this photo, where the reader can attempt to spot a Volga automobile, we can clearly see an awning that fell off from above the door as a result of ice bombings.

Unconscientious street cleaners throw icicles and ice straight down onto the cars. Conscientious ones put a mattress on the car roof first. Funny and clever.

You can’t cover every outdoor sign with a mattress, so all the signs, canopies, awnings and marquees in the city have sustained some kind of damage from falling ice.