Saint Isaac’s CathedralMapAugust 10–11, 2015 This one time I was strolling around Moscow and what do I see: St Isaac’s Cathedral. ![]() At this point I remembered that the priests had decided to lay their greedy little hands on my site, a secular site that belongs to the people. The Russian orthodox church is a gathering of vile wheeler-dealers, who purportedly help people to relate to god. They’ve now decided to snatch the entire cathedral for themselves. ![]() It’s worth mentioning that St Isaac’s Cathedral is the most visited museum site in St Petersburg. Every year three and a half million people come here to take a look a round. And you can see why — it’s beautiful! ![]() On top of that, the visitors earn the museum 500 million rubles every year. It goes without saying that half a mil is a substantial sum. This is what’s used to pay all of the museum staff, as well as for the ongoing restoration and running of this immense building. ![]() For the time being, the only thing the preachers have introduced at the museum is the sale of tacky souvenirs. But that’s not enough, they want to have it all all. ![]() It must be said that St Isaac’s Cathedral has one major problem: the whole modern museum section and the infrastructure therein is unbelievably crude. They need a proper museum shop in the cathedral and a proper exhibition. They need to fit out nice pedestrian galleries and to replace the cringe-worthy with the cringe-free. Get these awfully Soviet-looking useless display cases the fuck out of here. Install proper multimedia units, appealing ones, in their stead. You used to be able to get away with exhibiting photos in glass cases back in 1970, but it’s a different time now. ![]() What is this shameful contraption? It’s so early 90s. Get it out of here! There’s a multitude of extremely beautiful, ingenious devices out there that would befit both museum and cathedral. ![]() This is provincial porn. No one sells things in this way in the civilised world. ![]() Below the cathedral there’s a giant cellar where you could put in a wonderful museum shop with a broad offering. ![]() There are some very good stores out there. They should ask them for some pointers. ![]() Best practice office The wayfinding signs around the site are a risible disgrace. Some retard used Photoshop to rustle up some arrows that are completely inappropriate given that they look so helpless. ![]() What’s this? What would the great Montferrand say if he saw this entrance, fit for cattle going into a meat processing plant? ![]() So you thought that this is a pic from inside “The Riviera” restaurant in Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk? Nope. It’s the lift in St Isaac’s Cathedral. Just look at those exquisite light fittings! And they are exquisitely screwed on — two on the wall, three on the ceiling. And the lift’s resplendent colour! They really pulled out all the stops. ![]() Mere mortals are barred from entering this bit. But everything is very sturdy, and they have tradesmen and engineers constantly working on it. ![]() Despite that fact that the cast iron is already 150 years old. The vaults’ interior. ![]() The visitors’ ascent up to the colonnade is fairly ingenious. Here they are, reflected on the roof: ![]() However, this gangway looks so out of place that it actually puts you ill at ease. Even as a temporary structure, it doesn’t cut the mustard. ![]() The pedestrian galleries are covered with garden-variety polycarbonate sheet! Your uncle Pete can get away with having that around his veggie patch. The fourth largest cathedral in the world certainly can’t. ![]() The new bell. Bankrolled by the railwaymen. That’s why the name of the president of Russian Railways, Yakunin, is cast in bronze here. Take heed, that’s some top-notch brown-nosing right there! By the way, according to the bellfounding canon, all punctuation is omitted from the text. ![]() The bell tolls hourly. The clock itself is nice and solid — a submarine commander’s watch. ![]() — O, Russian orthodox church! Do not taketh us away! ![]() The order of the Corinthians put in a request for a close up of this. Spikes await the pigeons in that dark corner — serves the pigeons right for shitting here. ![]() The famous sculptures located around the upper gallery. They’re restoring the fastenings at the moment. ![]() At this point I got a little distracted. It turns out that all of the sculptures standing 60 metres above ground have unbelievably ugly pinky toes. ![]() This is not a casting error. ![]() This is not a case of someone sawing off a piece. ![]() It’s simply the sculptor’s fetish. ![]() That’s just what floats his boat. ![]() No one standing at ground level will be able to make out the statues’ pinky toes anyway. ![]() So the sculptor decided to have a field day. ![]() The exterior of the main vault. ![]() God mode: on. ![]() This pigeon’s wingspan looks short from down below, but it’s actually one and a half metres long. I would temporarily hang a fighter plane there, it would be the main post-modern piece. ![]() Back to down to the level of mere mortals. What’s with the wooden walkways? They would look nice as pavements in Arkhangelsk. But not here, not in a museum. ![]() Stairway. I’ve seen better looking stairways leading up to boiler rooms. ![]() Just another day at the museum. ![]() You can leave the chain and padlock here. The curator uses them to lock the gate — she isn’t strong enough to lock them using the big key. Suggestions box. ![]() Know how to skive off school. The cathedral is in good hands, nothing will happen to it. Specialists and their materialist devices will keep the paintings and structures safe and sound. ![]() In order to design the exhibition and overhaul the structures on the viewing platforms, the museum needs good taste. Something the Russian orthodox church doesn’t need. |
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Saint Isaac’s Cathedral (Saint Petersburg)
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